In fact, not only do we unfold as persons, our aspirations, desires, expectations, and our entire ethos burgeon as well. Every decision we ever make takes us onto a different path, which then leads to other forks in the road. And so on. In light of this, to think that the grandiose dreams of a 17 year old can possibly retain any degree of validity half a century on would be asinine. And yet….

We’ve had our ups and downs during this long journey. I’d be lying if I said our marriage is always silky smooth and it’s all champagne and caviar. But somehow we’ve managed to keep it going, in our own fashion. I believe that’s because we’ve navigated our marriage as an evolutionary process. We recognize that change is inevitable, and that the marriage itself also has to reshape, to adapt to these vacillations.

Someone told me long ago about the three rings of marriage: first the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, and finally the suffering. It doesn’t have to be the case, though, especially with respect to the last bit. It boils down to what we make of it. What we expect from it. And what we choose to do about it.

An important step is to let go of unrealistic expectations and goals. Specifically, our expectations with regard to our partner. Just as we evolve, they do too. What are they passionate about? What dreams have they abandoned along the way? And what new aspirations do they now espouse? A dangerous obsession with our own perspective has a way of poisoning relationships. If we truly love someone, whatever love actually is, we must be willing to accept the other as they are, to embrace their inclinations and aspirations. It’s never about ME.

Some people like to talk about “US” in a relationship. A team, they may say. I dispute that. The couple, at the end of the day, is two individuals. Whenever we talk about a team, about an US, there is an implicit assumption that someone is the team leader, someone is in charge. Giving each other the space to be themselves is much more productive. Giving, without demanding gratitude or even reciprocity, is what I think love is really about. And the foundation of long-lasting relationship.

Don’t think about all the sacrifices you’ve made for the other person. Don’t even consider that for a moment. For, you know, no one forced you to make whatever sacrifices you made. And if you do something for someone, with the expectation that they therefore owe you, you don’t love them truly. You want to own them. You want to be able to demand their immolation, when and where you decide to call in the chips. For surely the person can think of sacrifices they made as well. Where does that leave us? A chasm so wide it puts the Grand Canyon to shame? An inevitable finger-pointing exercise that is self-serving and absurd. A recipe for latent, if not explicit, toxicity.

A marriage evolves, as I said. If the two partners choose to see it through, if they actually care enough about each other to be thus committed, it has to adapt. It transitions as we transition. How we transact the marriage must reflect how we transact our lives. And each marriage will pursue a different course. There is no one way a marriage should work. One size does not fit all.

Of course I am talking only about marriages which both parties desire to last. And not all marriages should last. Sometimes it had all been a mistake to start with, and perhaps it’s better not to throw good money after bad. Sometimes the two people have become so transformed that to stay together would do more harm than good. Sometimes things just aren’t meant to be.

But aside from the extremes of utter disasters and legendary romances, most marriages are somewhere in between. And they survive and prosper, or they languish and shrivel, primarily by how the partners steer its course.

We evolve. Marriages do, too.